Survival tips: what to do if an animal attacks you

Survival tips: what to do if an animal attacks you

Hungry monkeys: You could simply give the macaque your Magnum. Failing that, try the "open-mouth threat" – make an O with your mouth, lean forward and raise your eyebrows. Then back away slowly. If that doesn't work, open a can of beer and talk about football (they're a bit more afraid of men than of women).

Killer bees: Africanised honeybees aim for your mouth and nose first. So pull your top up over your head, then run, run, run away. Don't give up too soon – they've been known to chase victims for more than 400 metres. If possible, shut yourself in a car or building. Diving into water won't help – they'll wait till you come up for air.

Crocodiles and alligators: Whatever some idiots tell you, crocs and gators cannot run faster than racehorses. On land, even humans have a good chance of outpacing them. Forget anything you've heard about zigzagging – just leg it. If the reptile gets you into its mouth, don't waste time trying to pry its jaws open. Stick your thumb or finger into its eye. The pain and shock should make it release you.

Sharks: If it's trying to take chunks out of your boat, hit it with a paddle or a pole. The vulnerable spots are the eyes, gills and snout. If you're in the water, you may be able to escape by rapid changes of direction. Sharks are not very manoeuvrable. If you're in its mouth, do not play dead. Eyes, gills, snout, remember.

Elephants: Plan A: Climb a tree, first making sure it's big enough that it can't be pushed over. Plan B: Play dead in the hope that Jumbo will get tired of tossing your body around.